What’s important?

I have been thinking again.

I have been assessing my life since Epilepsy and I am not sure I like what I see. Since diagnosis on November 28 things have been very hard. My brother died suddenly on November 29, my brother in law died, my son and his partner lost their baby and my father in law has been diagnosed with dementia and may now be kept from going home (6 weeks ago the doctors told him he WILL be going home Mothers day)! I am failing my wife because she desperately wants to return to Indiana to care for her dad but my green card has lapsed and it will be almost impossible to renew because of my Epilepsy. INS will insist that I have medical insurance before going which I can’t get without a job and I can’t get a job without a green card!!

When having this bout of thinking I have come to realise that I don’t have enough people to love or enough people that love me! I have never been gregarious, friendly or very open to new people but try to be loyal to a small circle of people who I care about, they are gone now, either left behind after various intercontinental moves or just vanished?

It is hard to share feelings with friends and family because they all have problems of their own and it is easy to become a whining burden when you don’t have positive things to bring to a relationship. If illness is offset by work and leisure activities to talk about, the relationship is balanced and everyone understands everyone else. At the moment I don’t have positives to bring to the party. 😦

I am most worried about my father in law. Jack spent 26 years serving his country in the air-force and now his military insurance wont provide for home care to enable him to spend his last couple of years at home! Jack is 83 years old and is being treated like a baby with no consideration being given to his dignity! Money is all that matters, he didn’t refuse to serve his country because the money wasn’t enough. Jack has always loved his country, supported his family and church, hell, he even sacrificed his job so that a young man with children didn’t lose his during cutbacks!! He has never asked for anything, Jack is one of life’s givers and his country is treating him like s**t for the sake of a few thousand dollars!

My heart has been broken many times since November but I can barely see the screen while writing this because of the tears, thinking about an honest, proud, hard working, decent, caring, giving and just damned decent man being hung out to dry because some bankers fu**ed up the economy.

God bless America my arse

(Not the people, who I love but the system)

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Mick, Julia and Michael Gorman with Jack and Ruth Davenport

Mick, Julia and Michael Gorman with Jack and Ruth Davenport

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About Mick C Gorman

Slightly damaged old bloke who is plodding on with more than a little help from a great wife. I have been married for 35 years and have 2 grown up children. I did the usual thing and replaced children with dogs when the nest became empty, best thing I ever did (apart from getting married of course). Life has taken a few interesting turns so far but this Epilepsy thing beats the lot! I love lots of things but in the past have never really stuck with them long enough to be good at them, I am trying harder to be better at a few things rather than okay at loads of things. There is still plenty of time. :-D
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2 Responses to What’s important?

  1. Dace says:

    Sometimes you just need to sit back and see what life brings. It’s never about right or wrong, it is always about the experience that you have to go through. Even though it seems that life (God, Universe, Mother Nature, destiny, and etc) has kicked you hard, it is still for the best.

    How can I say that? Because – it is always the case. Look back at your life and see the way it got you where you are. Look at people you have met, relationships, and friendships you have lived through. All kinds of things need to happen for other better things to happen.

    It is what it is and you have to feel, understand, and let go. In every despair there is something amazing – something that is meant just for you.

    • mickcgorman says:

      You may well be right, today I just had to rage against the unfairness! I am more angry about my father in law than the things that happen to me. I will keep on plodding on. 🙂

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