I have been thinking again.
I have been assessing my life since Epilepsy and I am not sure I like what I see. Since diagnosis on November 28 things have been very hard. My brother died suddenly on November 29, my brother in law died, my son and his partner lost their baby and my father in law has been diagnosed with dementia and may now be kept from going home (6 weeks ago the doctors told him he WILL be going home Mothers day)! I am failing my wife because she desperately wants to return to Indiana to care for her dad but my green card has lapsed and it will be almost impossible to renew because of my Epilepsy. INS will insist that I have medical insurance before going which I can’t get without a job and I can’t get a job without a green card!!
When having this bout of thinking I have come to realise that I don’t have enough people to love or enough people that love me! I have never been gregarious, friendly or very open to new people but try to be loyal to a small circle of people who I care about, they are gone now, either left behind after various intercontinental moves or just vanished?
It is hard to share feelings with friends and family because they all have problems of their own and it is easy to become a whining burden when you don’t have positive things to bring to a relationship. If illness is offset by work and leisure activities to talk about, the relationship is balanced and everyone understands everyone else. At the moment I don’t have positives to bring to the party. 😦
I am most worried about my father in law. Jack spent 26 years serving his country in the air-force and now his military insurance wont provide for home care to enable him to spend his last couple of years at home! Jack is 83 years old and is being treated like a baby with no consideration being given to his dignity! Money is all that matters, he didn’t refuse to serve his country because the money wasn’t enough. Jack has always loved his country, supported his family and church, hell, he even sacrificed his job so that a young man with children didn’t lose his during cutbacks!! He has never asked for anything, Jack is one of life’s givers and his country is treating him like s**t for the sake of a few thousand dollars!
My heart has been broken many times since November but I can barely see the screen while writing this because of the tears, thinking about an honest, proud, hard working, decent, caring, giving and just damned decent man being hung out to dry because some bankers fu**ed up the economy.
God bless America my arse
(Not the people, who I love but the system)